I Confess I’m an Imperfect Mother

It’s so funny how this came about. Years ago I had plans to write a book titled Confessions of A Teen-aged mom. Don’t ask me what happened, I guess life took its toll and the book got lost. It may still come about one day.

I had plans of writing how my first child came and living through the pain of being shunned from my previous church. There were chapters on midnight feedings and how I was too tired and fell asleep breastfeeding. Along with many other chapters like anger and children, confessions of a single mom, suicidal roller-coaster and the like.

I feel like I’ve been through it all. I’ve got battle scars to prove my journey. Two failed relationships, one failed marriage, custody battles, living paycheck to paycheck paying for daycare and private school on my own and fears through the marriage I am in.

I’ve been compared, knocked down, looked over, mentally and emotionally abused and what have you. Who hasn’t?

Nonetheless, this day I get up every morning with new hope and a greater vision to seek God’s best in my life and the lives of my children.

But I am not perfect. I just laid that out. I’m not the screaming mom that takes single leaps in a bound when my boy’s cry. I am not the super organized mom or the mom that has her child in 10,000 biblical activities through the year. I’m not the mom that never catches an attitude or wakes up super early to start breakfast. I second that. I am certainly not the mom who get’s all her house work done, home school’s perfectly, nurtures perfectly or loves perfectly but these are very broad subjects.

If the chance comes I’m making a pizza and calling it dinner. I try to limit T.V. but sometimes, when I’m tired, there are pajama days. Sometimes dishes are left in my sink and the dirt on the floor may linger a few weeks.

Sometimes I don’t get dressed or even brush my teeth (don’t judge me).

But who is all these things?

Who has it together all the time? And if you do, then you are your own Saviour because there is no need.

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6 (ESV)

I fail and I fall. You got me. But I’m still growing. That’s the important thing.

I’m so imperfect and yet so glad that I am. Because through these imperfections God shows me how to slow down and catch up on life, the fun free one. He shows me to depend on him for his strength, his wisdom and his control. Not to compare myself to another mother or woman and what he has set before them. What God has given me is for me.

My crazy busy life, my personality, my husband, my struggles, my children, my ridiculous strength, my annoying yet amazing family, It’s all for Nykiah, because it’s apart of his work within me and the end of the story.

I am imperfect but He is stronger when I am weak and greater in my vulnerabilities. I am exactly what he wants me to be and how he needs me now. So that his glory can be completed in me. I’m just a dented, chipped, puzzle piece learning how to fit in his plan and stand where he wants me on the stage. I’m dress rehearsing for the real thing when all my responsibility will be to bow down and worship the king of kings.

I didn’t use to can but I do now. I never made pizza dough but I do now. I don’t have any girls, but I have boys. I don’t have a huge house but I have one. I don’t have long hair, but it’s healthy. I don’t always say the right things but I’m working on it.  I love God and I love people. Isn’t that really the point of all of this? Aren’t these really what the Lord has asked of us?

But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him.  “Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”  And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.  This is the great and first commandment.  And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” Matthew 22: 34-40 (ESV)

So while I’m focusing on what I’m not and who I could be, He is looking at greater things.

Praise God if another mom does more than me, praise God if another mom does less. We all have one thing in common, Jesus, his love and his work; Or that we love what we do and we are crazy for doing it!

I hope you can see your imperfections as another reason to give Christ your life. For someone already perfect needing nothing, it wouldn’t be a lot.

Trust him today and walk on the path he has you. Whether crazy and blessed or worst and a mess. Trust Him. And by all means, rejoice with other moms and women for their strength, humility and work that they were called to! (In other words, don’t hate, congratulate!)

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

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Linking up with: Wedded Wednesday and thebettermom

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The Father of Lies

This morning. Oh this lovely morning. Born from a busy weekend. Inhabited by frustrations and lack of sleep.  Monday evening I packed up my things with eagerness to run out of the door of my department and hit the clock that no longer bonds me a slave to making money to provide for my family.

Anxious to get home to those sweet little faces and make the  public house announcement that it was time for bed, I was excited and hoping to catch up on the time I missed out on the weekend to spend with my boys. Excited to finally wash away the troubles and stress of the work day and put on my mom clothes. – an ode to motherhood.

Sunday night we had an awakening surprise that I’d didn’t think of. My oldest boy had a moment. One of those moments that kept us up for an hour and a half. Hoping to reason by purposely pouring into him.

The night ended with crying, worship and an exhausted look from me to my beau. Finally the boys went to sleep, hunney left and I went straight upstairs to dump myself in bed and rid my mind of the thought of catching up on the rest of the house.

The next morning. This morning. I woke asking the Lord to strengthen me and encourage me to move forward throughout the day.

I was met with resistance from my six-year-old which resulted in me taking away his privileges for the week. It’s exhausting really but then its amazing really…to see how  much they trust in a sinner like me until they understand who I really am and start to trust God. It’s so amazing to know that God gives me a large hand of authority to raise them for a little while.

Anyway. After dropping my boys at the bus stop I rushed back home to where an extra hour of sleep awaited me.

Have you ever noticed how if your carrying something heavy, the closer you get to home the more unbearably heavy it gets? Well that’s how my eyes felt. Heavy.

I think we can use the same scenario when talking about waiting for Jesus to come. The burdens and suffering grow thicker and courser as we near the coming of our Saviour.

Ok, so I drag myself up the stairs and dump myself in my all to comfortable bed and I start to replay everything the morning had brought to me. My heart was heavy for my

oldest. Still in between a groggy sleep I say a brief prayer and doze.
And then it hit me.

Sinful thoughts and belief of lies that raising my boys will  never get better. That life is everything it will ever be now. That trusting God is maybe a big mistake.

Doubt.

With his cunning deceit, tricky words, and scenes that set up destruction.

He was playing this part well.

He knew when to pause and when yo take a bow.

He knew the times to try us against each other.

He staged every part of the act. From selfishness to pride, from anger and frustration; from unrepentance to unforgiveness.

Perverting the picture of Gods eternal glory like he’s been all along.

That crafty Satan. That father of lies.

Stay alert! Watch out for your great enemy, the devil. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Stand firm against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.

In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.  All power to him forever! Amen. (1 Peter 5:8)

How could I forget? That there is someone standing behind waiting for me to fall to my death. Waiting for my children to denounce the name of their creator.

That silly satan. My silly flesh.

Introducing the father of lies.

Linking up with: Messy Marriage