I must admit I was confused when asked to write a post for the Motherhood Series. I mean, I have a husband, but no ten little toes scampering around the house reaching to touch glass tables with ten little fingers while looking around with innocent amazement. A trip to the grocery store is just that, a quick trip without a happy little voice saying “I want that!” There you have it, I have no children, am 38 years old, recently had precancerous cells removed from my cervix and have fibroids that appear to enjoy making my uterus the size of a woman who is 3 months pregnant. So I have wondered and questioned if motherhood is going to happen for me? Will I ever experience the joy and maybe morning sickness of pregnancy? Well, when I began to question my wonderful husband during one of my woe is me bouts and remind him of the possibilities he told me the following: “I didn’t marry you for children; I married you because you are the woman God placed in my life; I married you because I love you, and if we don’t have children [biologically] we will continue to trust God together.” How my heart smiles with the thought of that man! And that’s good, really good, because he is often the one by my side when we encounter the Frequent Flyers! Who or what are they? Allow me to explain.
“What are you waiting for?”, “Don’t you want children?”, and “Don’t you wait too long!” The Frequent Flyers. The questions people ask when they find out I am 38 and have been married for almost three years and am childless. I guess my husband and I missed the part in our vows that says there is a timeframe to have children. Any who, there is also the medical field, a Frequent Flyer by default, because, well, it is the GYN.’s job to ask if I am planning to have children and then remind me rather matter-of-factly “[Your] time is running out; I am documenting we discussed this so if you cannot conceive it is noted I addressed the issue, but since you are ready to try, go home and have fun!” And of course there is me. I love Jesus and trust him in all areas of my life, but possibly not sharing the birth of a child with my husband!? Enter old familiar doubt and plain old fear with front row seats to watch gleefully as I anguished over the thought! I mean relentless fear, “He is going to leave you!”, “Why would he stay with a woman who cannot have children?” and “You’re not a woman if you cannot have children.” Oh, Jesus make it stop!! So He gently reminded of this:
For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control. II Timothy 1: 7-8 Amplified Bible (AMP)
When I read this scripture or recite it, I am reminded that God did not create me to fear! It is because of Jesus I have power over the silly thoughts that try to inundate every vacant and not so vacant place in my mind. It is because of Jesus I remain calm and have self control when the Frequent Flyers and their partners head my way! Much appreciated!
It is because of the reminders God gives me in his Word that I also sleep very well at night; no tossing and turning worrying when will we prepare our nursery or wondering if he or she will have Mommy’s or Daddy’s eyes.
You have put more joy and rejoicing in my heart than [they know] when their wheat and new wine have yielded abundantly. In peace I will both lie down and sleep, for You, Lord, alone make me dwell in safety and confident trust. Psalm 4:7-8 (AMP)
Trust. That’s it; I Trust God. And While I am waiting for motherhood to begin, I am enjoying the journey and learning and relearning awesome things about myself and my relationship with Christ and my family! Here are a few of the things in no particular order: 1- Fear does not have a place in my journey. 2- God loves me and cares about me and spending time with him is the single best way to start my day. 3- My nieces and nephews really enjoy spending time with me (I use the great amount of laughter and smiles as a gauge, but they also tell me). 4- My husband is my best friend and our marriage consists of three people: God, him, and me (order specified).
I may not be able to stop the Frequent Flyers, but with God I can face them with no shame. Whatever the outcome may be, birthing a child, adopting a child, or simply remaining as I am, the best Auntie and Godmother I can be, I am content and happier than people know (See Philippians 4:12-13). So as my husband and I continue to trust God and enjoy our journey, know that we are smiling and embracing each day we are blessed with as a new opportunity to allow our joy and the reason for it to be contagious to others.